Hello from KU!

Hey there! I've finally decided to update this space after a half year hiatus. Thought it might be cool for me to document my days here at the University of Kansas. I've been adapting well. The people are real nice and friendly & I practically have zero complaints. Except perhaps the weather is a tad too cold (ranging mostly from -14 to 4 degrees so far & honestly, 4 degrees days are warm days) but otherwise, there really isn't anything that I don't love. This is my first trip to the Mid-West & I must say that although Lawrence is a small college town in Kansas, it is a beautiful place to be at. That being said, I'm still a Cali girl at heart & the West-coast is where I belong. Anyway! I'm back in the US legal so everything is going to be a hell lot easier.

In Lawrence, the sky is amazing, you pretty much get a different view everyday. One day could have had clear blue skies, the next light grey skies and others with pretty little fluffy clouds up in the sky. Not to mention the sunset and sunrise here. Absolutely beautiful. It makes you appreciate mother nature a lot more than when you're living in a city (or perhaps it could also be due to the fact that there's nothing else to do haha).

Another thing about being back in the US is being able to eat all the foods that I have missed so fucking much. Cookie butter being one of them. If you've never tried this before, pleeeeaaaasseee, I beg you to get some whenever you get to the US or ask someone to bring it back for you. Ok, actually, I'm not too sure if it's solely an American thing or you can find it in other parts of the world but just get some if you ever see one. & there's also Panda Express, iHOP and In-N-Out (which they do not have in the state of Kansas but I'm dying to have some In-N-Out burgers when I get to the west coast). Sighhhhh... Honestly, I love the fast food & desserts here but any other types of foods are just...let's just say I'd rather cook my own.

& yea, most of you would probably have known that I was pretty much devastated when it finally hit me that I had to leave Davey for 5 months. It has never been this hard to part with someone before & I pretty much cried my way through my 26-hour journey to the Mid-West. Yes, I actually teared up just before my flight took off & I bawled (well not really but I couldn't stop crying) at Narita Airport while in transit & probably for a long while on the plane to Denver. As dramatic as that may sound, yes, it actually happened. I'm as emotional as emotional can be. Strange isn't it? I've been for so many travels yet this is the first one that I actually felt bittersweet for. But I'm alright now, I've stopped crying like a baby & things are looking pretty much awesome. My boys are together (although Ted-y definitely misses mommy a lot & the other just abuses him...) & I'm adapting well to life here at KU. Sure it isn't going to be easy & every single morning that I get up to just makes me miss him even more but love is never that easy. In reality, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder but it makes the heart grow anxious. I guess I actually trust that this time, it's going to work so yea, I'm going to see if that actually happens by the end of the semester. Everything looks great for now & I'm pretty much going to spend my days in college here planning my travels, improving my cooking skills and going for activities. Hmm...about school...let's just say I'll put in the right amount of effort.

Thoughts x 1

Everyone is different. You & I, we both grew up in different families, cultures & schools. We look, act & dress different. We interpret & react to situations in many different ways. No one person has the exact same thoughts as another. & that's what makes us human. The beauty of being very individual beings with very subjective thoughts. But somehow, somewhere along the way, we learn what are appropriate behaviors and we also learn to scoff at those which aren't. But the question is...How in the world have we ever got to the conclusion that being different is something socially unacceptable when every single one of us are different in so many ways?

In the entire 21 years of my life, I've kept many thoughts and feelings within me (or rather, I eventually learnt that it was better to keep them inside me). My entire life has been about me trying to suppress these emotions & anxieties because they are deemed "socially unacceptable". It has been so deeply intertwined with my daily life that I can no longer break free from it. It upsets me to know that I can never be the person that I was meant to be but there is absolutely nothing I know that I can do about it (at least for now). It pains me, it suffocates me & it makes me cry for no apparent reason. Yet, the worst part is, I let it do all that to me.

No one "normal" has really understood how much it sucks to be unable to feel "normal" (or maybe somehow, everyone is suffering yet not many are as weak & emotional as I am). It's fucking bullshit because all you want to do is to lead each & every single day without worrying about stupid little things that no one really gives a shit about except you.

Look at it this way. You're probably thinking that I'm being crazy dramatic for exaggerating life in this manner. Yes, to you, you're thinking that everyone goes through the exact same bullshit & I'm just being a crybaby about it. But, to me, I think about it almost every other day & life is just a roller-coaster ride of emotions. In other words, I'm just a lot less capable of dealing with it.

Yes, you may be stronger than I'm. Yes, you may have everything in your life going well for you. But no, that doesn't mean that because I'm different, I don't deserve to be me.

What's new, what's old? Same old, same old.

I guess it's probably time for me to post something in this space. Seems to me like it's dying out but I just really do not have much to talk about anymore. Nothing particularly interesting or different going on in my life. Even the layout of this post is the same as always. What's new, what's old? Same old, same old.

Perhaps I should start with the fact that you'd see me in the US next year, as planned. Back to where I should be. Theresa made a joke that it'd just be like going home because I already have everything there that a person needs...a Bank of America account & friends. Just living in a different state.

To let you get into my head for a bit, I've been thinking a lot about the whole "I wanna leave Singapore as soon as I can" agenda that's probably on the minds of more than half the population of young Singaporeans. I guess I can't deny that I feel the same way but I really like Singapore (except the weather). There is possibly no way I can defend myself because everyone is going to say that I'm giving shit excuses but I just really do not belong here. I'm part of the minority and I really feel quite uncomfortable. At the start, it was okay. I could deal with the rumors, the gossips, the communication barriers and whatnots. But as I got older, even though I am immune to all the talk about me, it got more tiring. Does it even make sense? I mean I know what everyone says about me. Duh. I'm not an idiot. If you discuss it with me (like some did), I would gladly tell you everything that you have ever wanted to know. Nonetheless, I just do not get the whole discrimination. I mean have I ever done anything that would, even in the slight, affect anyone's life? Sure, you can talk about it but don't make judgments based on it. If you do not agree with a person's choice of lifestyle, then don't agree with it. No one is asking for you to do the same. All they want is for you to understand that there are people who are different. Yes, one aspect of me is that I'm flirty as hell and I go on a lot of friendly dates (or rather, used to) but I mean no harm, it's just my personality. Please do not misunderstand my intentions. Anyway my point is that I've never felt like a minority in the States. In fact, I've always felt normal there. Sure I'm an Asian & that stirs some racism here & there but it isn't the same as an attack to my personality. I may be different, I may be weird, I may be too liberal but don't judge me before you know me & I'd gladly do likewise.

Despite all the preconceived notions, I do have feelings for some people. I am just not particularly good at expressing them logically. Either I run or it comes out all over the place, all wrong and giving the wrong ideas to everyone. It's so tiring. I wish I'm not me. There. I said it. I do not want to be me because it is tiring to be me. Dawn said I create puzzles in my life so that I can fix them. Pretty true. I definitely make my own problems.

I probably sowed some discord here but whatever, I don't answer to anyone but myself & the people who made me.

This is what everyday wear should be like

& everynight wear haha

Baked muffins. You like that?

Oh yea, I forgot I went to HK. I should blog about that soon. Ciao my little doves! Muacks!

Trust.

There are times when, after being real busy (or overwhelmed) for awhile, you finally pause & realize that you're actually feeling really empty. But the hardest thing to do is to admit to anyone that you're feeling all alone. No one wants to be alone. Everyone wants to be part of something. But being part of something doesn't always mean you aren't lonely. Funny how the world works that way.

But...

You are more than what you feel. You are capable of so much more. Piece of advice, trust in God. Trust that He will take you by the hand & lead you. Although the roads may get tough, there is only one thing you need to know - He will always be there for you because He is so much greater than you think He is.

Sometimes the problem lies in trying to force things to happen but really, things do happen for a reason. If something doesn't seem to work out for you, let it go & move on. If something doesn't present itself to you, don't rely on your own efforts to make it work but trust that something greater will happen. Remember, it is all part of the journey that God wants you to take with Him.

Trust.

"Without trust, you cannot have love".

So trust.

Trust that everything will turn out okay. We may not know the future but God will never shortchange us. In fact, He will give us more than we deserve.

Trust. J. Trust.

2013...2014

What's up! It's 2014 & since I only blog once a month, I shall treat this post quite seriously.

I'm not going to blog about resolutions or anything because isn't your life back to where it was before the NY celebrations? Doesn't mean it's a new year, you have to change. It is just another day except for the fact that you can use the line, "Wow the last time I met you was last year!". Maybe it's better if we all made wishes for the year. That way, you can leave it up to God, destiny, hard work, or whatever you believe in. I made 3 wishes for 2014 (which I obviously wouldn't tell) & it was actually proposed by my pastor. I really believe in that guy, he's like the best thing that ever happened to me.

I remember mentioning that I'm going to post the cheesecake recipe but I guess I lied. Oh wells. Here are photos with captions of December 2013 instead.

Was glad to be back in my happy zone (Was because I'm no longer sure it is my happy zone - it has been known to cause me to be euphorically angry & then really depressed the next day - so I'm taking a long break)

I turned 20! & this was my supposed birthday "cake" until the waiter gave us a complimentary molten chocolate cake. So sweet ^^ (the 3rd cake of the day - Berns got me one in the afternoon & I had one at midnight by myself. Yes I had a birthday cake for myself by myself)

I love this so much :Q_______ (somewhere off Balestier)

& this too (Toss & Turn). I always ask for half veg half noodles & double salmon!

Made ondeh ondeh on one of those depressing days

R: You can't tell but I was on the hospital bed haha Geofry got spooked while I was riding and I fell off and landed on my back. Now my right hip hurts (it has been 3 weeks?) & it gets worse with alcohol & standing/sitting so I basically have been lying down and staying home a lot lately. Not complaining though. So many shows to watch & so little time.

The people who made malaysiaroadtrip2013 happen.

We were in KL for 2.5 days - basically spent the entire time shopping or trying to find our way around places &...yea that's about it and we headed down to Malacca for food! :Q_______

If by any chance you're heading to Malacca, please have this popiah with extra lard (you can just drive by & order without getting out of your car - the heat is insane & well, people get lazy...)

Nyonya kueh from Baba Charlie! I love kuehs but these weren't that awesome... Although there is this putu piring (kueh tutu) stall @ Jalan Tengkera that is bloody awesome! The orders just keep coming & you can do a drive through order as well but it takes awhile. You should have it while it's still hot, it is absolutely delicious.

We attempted to walk for like...20 minutes but ran back to the car because it was too hot. Well...we tried...

So basically that wraps up the 5-day road trip to Malaysia. It was awesome & I didn't want to head back but I guess all good things must come to an end :(

Next on my agenda was the X'mas party hosted by my sister & I. It went really well. It was actually pretty awesome. Which came as a relief because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. Got a throbbing headache after awhile so I shooed everyone out of my house & crashed hahaha Feliz Navidad! 

L: Love this dress I wore to a X'mas party (it was supposed to be my bday dress but it arrived late) R: The lovely tree in my house which is present-less 

Celebrated X'mas in so many different ways & people this year & I'm so glad because all we did last year was this...

NY's was even lamer hahaha we just spent it watching fireworks shoot out from the Space Needle.

R: Had to upload this despite looking spastic 'cause Rach looks too cute! (we were mimicking Theresa's new pose)

\o/ if you get this photo, you're awesome!

Basically spent NYE sending this photo to everyone & the Moët photo below in the first few hours of 2014 (yay to another episode of texting everyone on my whatsapp/message convo list - I've no shame) haha other than that, I spent NYE @ Chloe's playing card games & then @ Dawn's lazing & chatting & finally @ Anthony's for the real deal. I would like to think that I played a huge part in clearing all the leftover food & drinks :):) So proud of myself. I'm a bucket. We even had Swee Choon after. What a merry start to 2014.

Finally a photo of all 6 of us! "Gamble soon"

L: Funniest photo of the lot. Me hugging my baby & refusing to let go

Finally a photo with more than 4 of us ^^

Le gracious host

Gonna end this post with a collage of 4 of my favorite girls. Super grateful for these 4. My life wouldn't be the same without them so muacks muacks. Hurt one of them & I wouldn't let you off. I bark & I bite.

Dulce sueños!